...And So It Goes, And So It Goes...

Yes, it's the title of an old Billy Joel song, one of my favorites.  I'm really not sure why I picked it as the title, I guess it points out the uncertainty of life and how there is a large part of it that we have little or no control over.

As you probably know, or maybe not, I have had quite an interesting summer.  Not quite what I expected.  I suffered a heart attack on May 18 and was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and had a stent put it in ny Right Coronary Artery.  It was 100% blocked.  While my recovery has gone well medically, I have a hard time getting back to how I was before, maybe I never will.   I still have days that I just don't feel right and the future seems a bit uncertain to me and certainly out of my control which is a feeling I am not used to.  I am so, so thankful for being alive and don't want to ever feel at all sorry for myself.  Of course this whole ordeal has made me realize what is truly important but how quickly you are forced to lose your perspective and deal with all of life's happenings along the way that take up your time.  (See below for an image that was on the shirt I wore during my race!!)

During my recovery I contemplated and thought about so many things, but one of the goals I set for myself was to be able to run a 5K race again one day soon.  I set the goal of doing it by the end of the summer.  2 weeks ago I was cleared to run outside again and this morning I particpated in a 5K race and finished in about 35 minutes.  A horrible time, but I finished and I ran the whole time, never walked.  It was a good feeling to do it and I was a bit emotional when I finished.  Not necessarily because of myself, but because of so many things you see happening around you and the remarkable strength that people have to get through times so much more difficult than mine.

My wife and I watched the HBO Special on Friday night called Stand Up To Cancer.  There were so many emotional stories of people suffering from Cancer and fighting for their lives against this haenous disease.  Some stories were encouraging and uplifting, others were depressing as people ended up dying way too young.  All of these movies stars and singers spent the night working to raise money to fight this disease.  When you heard the stories of Michael Douglas and Matt Damon's father who are both Cancer survivors you realize that this disease and others don't discriminate against wealth, age, race or anything else.  As human beings we are all vulnerable. 

We all hope and pray for my neighbors 3-year old son suffering from brain cancer.  When you read his mother's blog and see how she talks about the "little" things that give her hope and faith, you realize what a truly remarkable person she is.  When you consider all of the people that have donated time, money, food, etc. to help their cause it is easy to feel good about the general goodness of humankind.  These people deserve as much credit or more than the movie stars that sponsored the HBO show.

As I am standing in line waiting for race to start today (and wondering If I am going to make it) I struck up a conversation with two young girls that drove up here to run from New Brunswick where they were students at Rutgers.  It was just small talk about the weather, the race, etc.  I noticed before the gun went off to start the race that one of the girls pulled out a necklace with dog tags on it from someone in the military and she kissed them.  I overheard her tell her friend that they belonged to her brother who was killed in the line of duty in Afghanistan.  I didn't talk to her about it, it was private, but it was touching to me.  It made me think that there is nothing more horrible than a young person getting killed in a senseless war, but there is even some good that comes out of that.  It makes me realize that your impact on people can be so far reaching and you may in some strange way even affect people's lives that you don't even know. 

Yes, there is bad in the world such as horrible diseases, bad war, sickness and people suffering that don't  deserve to be.  But since all of that bad exists, it means that it gets balanced with good and the good is SO WORTH IT.  A movie star can make you realize that he is human just like us and get stricken with a terrible disease and he has to fight it and beat it regardless of his fame and fortune.  A little boy suffering from brain cancer and his super human family can motivate people that don't even know them to donate their time, money and prayers to help his cause.  Finally, a stranger killed in a senseless war can make a 44 year old guy recovering from a heart attack realize on a random Sunday morning that your next pay raise or the next fancy car you are going to buy is irrelevant compared to the affect you have on the people that love you. 

So where am I going and why did I write this?  I am not sure.  Generally, I am not overly emotional and sentimental but I did hug my wife and my two girls when I fnished the race.  It was great to have them there and they will never know how much it meant to me.  I've run in a lot of races and I usually go myself, but not this one, it was different.  Life is just made up of moments and experiences.  When you go through something like a heart attack, it forces you to realize that you are not in control and life could be taken from you in an instant.  You are forced to have more awareness of those moments.  I still, like all of us, have plenty of days that I want to forget all of the moments of.  But I also have days with moments like todays, where I will keep those moments and hold on to them wherever I go and however soon I may be going there.  I hope everyone has more moments like that in their life and if you are having a day with bad moments....then think about the good ones.  It is a good way to pass the time and move on to something more positive.  It is always easier to give others advice that you don't take yourself, but I promise that I will do my best to take my own advice.  I will try hard, that is all any of us can do.  Peace.