My Five Year Old is concerned about my sex life!

I like being honest and telling your kids where they stand and giving them advance notice on upcoming events even if it may not be to their liking.

So this morning I advise the kids that on Saturday Mommy and Daddy are going out dinner and their Aunt is going to watch the kids.

So she asks her usual humorous, inquisitive questions like why are we going alone, what kind of restaurant, etc.  Then the funniest thing came out of her mouth full of Nutella and Cinnamon sticks (nice combination).  She looks right at me and says "Are you going to kiss?"  I was so suprirsed I thought she said "Hiss" so I said "what?"  She went on to explain, "Are you going to kiss at night and have some romance?"  So I answered honestly and said "Maybe."  She went on to say, "Well if you do, take a picture so I can see it in the morning.  You and Mommy don't get to kiss and have romance that often so you should take a picture to remember it."

This could be interpreted so many different ways, but I will leave that all to you.  As I've said in so many other postings and continue to say to myself at least 2 or 3 mornings a week, You just can't make this stuff up.

By the way, as a side note, my wife advised me over the weekend to my surprise that there are actually people out there that are reading this and find it amusing.  For that reason, we have enabled commenting on the site.  I don't want to force people to register to view the blogs because that is too much work and this is really just for fun but feel free to leave a comment with your name (First name only) and let us know what you think.  Enjoy.  A---

Those Damm Eggs....

So Easter is finally over...an exciting holiday for the kids and it is back to work Monday.  A typical Monday, nobody wants to get up and do anything and when they finally do they are irritable and annoyed that I am making them eat breakfast and get dressed.  Marissa decides that since we have a refrigerator full of Easter Eggs that she should have one for breakfast.  She gets one out of the refrigerator and cracks it neatly actually on a plate and starts eating it.

Well, Livi goes NUTS! "That's my special egg, you cracked it and ruined it."  She carries on that the eggs are special and she has to protect them.  All my effort to explain to her that they really are food is wasted.  She gets some heart shaped little container she has and starts "saving" them.  Of course Marissa is yelling at her that she can't put them in her room and save them they are for eating which only adds fuel to the fire and makes her freak out more.  As she is collecting them out of the fridge and hiding them in her room she is holding them against her WHITE skirt which is now becoming tie-dyed with egg dye.  Man, I'm Jewish, this isn't even my holiday.  So being the sap I am, I just let her hide them in her room.  Finally we are off to school and her teacher wants to know "what happened" to her skirt.  I give her the old "don't ask."

Of course later that night when I get home I get yelled at for letting her put the eggs in her room...sometimes you just can't win.

Mondays...

Mondays are always interesting.  I couldn't sleep last night and fell victim to technology as I laid in bed (in the spare room of course) until the wee hours "surfing" for nothing in particular and no specific reason.  The last time I remember looking at the clock it was 3:48 AM and I remember thinking that Sandy is getting up in less than an hour and I haven't fallen asleep yet.  At some point I must have because I remember the blurry red LED on the clock radio saying 6:42 AM and thinking I would wait until 7 AM to wake up the monsters. 

I went in bed with Livi at 7 AM and figured we could sleep for a few more minutes.  To her I seemed like the devil in her bed.  Kicking, pinching all with her eyes closed telling me to get out and that she wants Mommy.  I warned her appropriately that I would drag her downstairs again if she didn't behave which of course is exactly what happened.  After dragging her downstairs and making her breakfast she refused to eat and said she wanted Mommy only.  Of course when Mommy called she wouldn't talk and was just grunting.  Marissa on the other hand was an angel today and ate nicely and went right up to get dressed.  Livi actually cooperated and got dressed and then filled me in on why she was mad at me.  She said that I told her last night that the iPad was broken and that was a lie because it is working fine now.  I explained to her what I meant was that it needed charged and that is why it is ok now.  She argued that "No, you lied to me" and "you shouldn't lie to little girls."  But I have learned to pick my battles so I just agree and apologize (like a complete dope).  She played on the iPad, then Marissa made her breakfast which was actually suprisingly uneventful.  They both got off to school without a hitch and I write it off as just another "Monday."  Sorry...not that terribly exciting today.

April Fools!!! Not Really!!

Before I forget, let me give you the lowdown on the end of the morning.

Both of them had breakfast and were more or less pleasant.  Marissa said that Liv could only have a little bit of her Nutella because it was hers and she bought it…I had to explain to her what “bought it” means and then she was a bit more agreeable.

Livi watched movies on the iPad through breakfast and then took it up to her room and kept watching while she got dressed.  Dressing went off without a hitch and shoes and socks on, teeth brushed, hair done, all good.  I think I am out of the woods…not so.

I shower and come out and they are both in bed watching a movie on the iPad. I told them it was time to go and let me tell you Livi blew a gasket like I have never seen.  She locked herself in my office and said she needed Mommy and wasn’t going to school and she hates Daddy and Marissa.  I had to drag her downstairs by her neck and force her to get her coat on.  During this process she closed fist punched me in the back of the skull twice and when Marissa told her that it wasn’t nice she open hand slapped Marissa in the face.  All this from your little Angel princess.  Marissa hit her back and I told her she would be punished too and to just let it go.  She started melting down then and said she can’t let it go and she really doesn’t lover her sister anymore.  Finally,. I had to drag her to the car and she punched Marissa three times while she was putting her seatbelt on. I left all the mail inside and when I went in to get it I thought I would give her a stuffed animal to calm her down.  I gave her Pupper Dog, a horse and a cat.  I gave them to her and asked her to please calm down and she threw the horse and the cat at me.  The only funny thing was that I was still climbing in to the car when she threw them and the cat was a perfect shot right out the door into the snow.  She went on to explain to me that she wishes she could throw me out like she did the cat.

She sobbed the whole way to school and insisted that needs to talk to Mommy to fix everything.  I spared you the phone call, so remember that.  We got into school and she put Pupper in her cubby and went over by Ms.  ***** and mumbled to her “Daddy Sucks.”  Ms. ***** must have read it on my face since she said she could tell we had a rough morning.  Livi gave me a half hug goodbye and went and sat with Ms. *****.  I made Marissa wait in the front (I am getting so smart in my old age) and when I went up front to meet her she was telling the people at the school how Livi is possessed and a devil child and she doesn’t love her.  I am beyond embarrassed and looking forward to a “bad day” at work which has to be better than dealing with these two lunatics that we somehow created.

So consider yourself informed now.  Needless to say we will be ruling iPad shows out of the morning routine.  Think about this the next time you get up early to go to work and complain about it.  I would trade in a heartbeat if I had an option.